|
Fort Worth Star-Telegram If someone seems not to see you ... December 19, 2005 They stride right past you. They look right through you. People Who Pretend Not to See You are the most frustrating people in the world. So now, in this season of giving, we take a look at the people who won't give you so much as a glance, and we turn to a few high-powered experts to help understand the meaning of snubs, both real and imagined. Problem: You stand in line at a store in a boiling puddle of your own frustration while a shop clerk helps the man in front of you and then the man behind you. Tinny Christmas music plays loudly. Children cry. The clerk finally discovers you are not invisible. "Happy Holidays," you say happily to the clerk after the transaction is complete. You congratulate yourself for being able to rise above what may have been an intended snub. The clerk does not respond. Your analysis: You guess the clerk thinks all women in line are with the man in front of them or the man behind them. You also guess that she is in need of glasses and a hearing aid. Expert's insight: She's likely overworked. Retail Traffic magazine reports that more than 2 million people shopped at Wal-Marts around the nation between 5 and 7 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving this year. Not all the 2 million were in your line. It just seemed like it. Your proper response: "Excuse me. I think I was next." That's all you have to say, says Peter Post, great-grandson of manners maven Emily Post and author of three books on etiquette, including the newly released Essential Manners for Couples ($21.95, Collins). Say it in a nice tone of voice, he advises. "Commenting on their faux pas doesn't do any good," Post says. Problem: You approach a woman on your church cookie committee while walking through the mall parking lot. The two of you have had many cookie discussions, most of them pleasant. You know she's seen you, yet she does not make eye contact. Your analysis: You guess that the last discussion about sprinkles got a little edgy and that she is still not over it. Expert's insight: She may be furious with you. Ignoring other people is a form of punishment, says Purdue University professor Kipling Williams, who has spent the last 12 years exploring such social noninteraction. Ostracism is very common, it's powerful and people can get away with it, Williams said in a telephone interview. "It's deniable. It's a nonbehavior. How do you get in trouble for not looking at someone?" Williams says. Ignoring other people damages their self-esteem, and thus gives power to the person doing the ignoring, he says. It may be that the cookie committee lady is trying to get full control over the sprinkles issue. Your proper response: "Let them walk on by," Post advises. We have to decide which fights we want to fight, he says. This one may not be worth it. Problem: The school choir is sounding a little off-key. You discuss this with the choir director and she turns her back on you. Not only is the problem not solved, but you feel first angry, then sad for a few days. Your analysis: The director failed to recognize your brilliance. This is her loss, you say. But why do you feel so bad? Expert's insight: You feel pain at being even briefly ostracized, professor Williams of Purdue says. His research shows that even four minutes of being ignored is enough to cause the brain's pain detector -- the anterior cingulate cortex -- to kick in. "We seem pre-wired to detect it," Williams says. "If ignored in prehistoric times, you'd probably die." Your proper response: "In that situation, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and just let it go," Post says. The alternative is to become confrontational in front of a crowd. "I don't think every situation where we think someone is rude is the time to try to correct their behavior," Post says. Problem: You walk down the sidewalk in a holiday mood. A Santa Claus walks out of a store and right past you. Your children jump up and down and wave. The Santa doesn't pay a bit of attention. He appears deranged and he is talking to himself. Your analysis: You tell your children that Santa is just busy memorizing his list, but you suspect he's on his cellphone. Expert's insight: Actually, Santa is on a cellphone and the roaming charges are killing him. Technology is enhancing our ability to be rude, says Lynne Truss, British wit and author of the recently released Talk to the Hand, The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door ($20, Penguin). "People will have conversations with people who aren't even there," Truss said in a telephone interview. "You may not realize that they have a little clip in their ear and they are talking on the cellphone." People conduct their business on commuter trains. They talk about their love lives in cafes. And why does this enrage this mannerly author? Your thoughts are interrupted by the one-way conversation. You turn to the speaker and realize he is not speaking to you. "You realize they are engaged in a different world that doesn't
include you," Truss says. "Wasn't that fun. I just saw Santa Claus." That's what Post would say to his kids. If the children seem sad, he'd say: "He was probably talking to his elves."
|