Minneapolis - ST. Paul, Star Tribune

GFF* *guy friends forever

Some men say their male friends keep them grounded and content. Others struggle to reach out, even though they think they should.

By Gail Rosenblum
August 24, 2007

Ask any 17-year-old guy for his take on "Superbad," the sex and booze romp that opened last week to critical acclaim, and you're likely to get hysterical laughter (or the making of a drawing or two). Chances are, the last thing he'd say is that the film is the story of two childhood friends at a painful crossroads that has nothing to do with getting laid or drunk. (Actually, it is.)

"High School Musical 2" gave basketball star Troy (Zac Efron) and math whiz Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens) another opportunity to heat up cable TV. But it was Troy's longtime pal Chad (Corbin Bleu) who confronts Zac about his priorities and gets him back on track. Dude, time for a hug.

And the bittersweet French comedy "My Best Friend" features a clueless middle-aged loner forced to ask himself not "Can this friendship be saved?" but rather, "Can I be saved by a friendship?"

It's been the summer of a different kind of love on screens large and small: guy-friend love. This, predicts Dan Johnson, senior pastor of Good Samaritan United Methodist Church in Edina, is where a lot of men will stop reading, although "the women in their life might clip this article out and hand it to them later," he says with a laugh.

The subject of male friendships, though, is serious business to Johnson. For years in his work as a pastor, he's noticed how difficult it is for many men to establish friendships in the seemingly effortless way women do. He wonders if it's simple socialization, a lack of "building and affirming the vulnerable side of men." Maybe it's priorities. Men, he said, "fill their lives with tangibles and materials maybe more than relationships," he said. Many guys, particularly if they're older, don't even know how to make friends.

Different ages, different challenges

Young men seem to have the least problem coming up with the name of a best friend. Chris Mommsen and John Erickson, both 22, for instance, have been best friends since elementary school in St. Louis Park. Last month, the two men joined two other longtime friends for a 220-mile hiking trip on California's John Muir Trail.

Common interests, including junior high cross-country and ski team, have been key to the tight bond between Mommsen and Erickson. They even tried to learn how to play bridge together.

"John is probably the smartest person I know," said Mommsen, who is about to begin Lewis and Clark Law School in Portland, Ore. "If I'm looking for insights into girls, I usually talk to girls. But if I'm looking for insights into other things, I look to John."

He doesn't worry that distance will change their relationship. "We went to undergrad in different places," he said of Erickson, who is now on a water project in Honduras. "When we get back together, we always just give each other a call. It's never awkward."

Jason Shannon and Keenan Sue, both 28, developed an enduring bond as roommates at Macalester College. Maybe it was their "similar creative minds," or shared interests, Shannon said. They took meditation and yoga classes together, and collaborated on songwriting. Shannon and Sue also pulled "all-nighters" as Sue struggled with a long and painful breakup with a girlfriend. Sue has since moved to Hawaii, but the two remain close.

"It's mysterious why there is that spark," Shannon said. "But it's easier when you're younger and you have vulnerabilities that haven't even been acknowledged."

Life gets complicated

As men move into their 30s, though, even the closest friendships often fall off the map. Glenn Sparks, a professor of communication at Purdue University, may know why. He studied 45 pairs of friends, including guy friends, from 1983 to 2002. On average, the participants moved six times during those 19 years; friendships were also challenged by romantic relationships, careers and children.

Dan Trockman, 37, and T. Perry Bowers, 36, both of Minneapolis, understand that challenge. They met half their lives ago. Today they're both married, with two kids each. It's tough to find time to get together, but they make it happen.